Musings on Parenting: Then and Now (or: Today I Would Be in Jail)

Awhile back, I read about a woman who had written a book in defense of a relatively “new” concept referred to as Free Range Parenting. Really? I know I am not always with it as far as trends are concerned, but this one gets my whole hearted endorsement. This trend actually allows children to be out of their parents sight at times, assume gradual self responsibility and gives them some freedoms that I and my own children had years ago.

Now let me make it clear that I am not promoting true negligence or child endangerment but let’s take a quick look at how things were, and how and why they changed.

“Back in the day”, the parents were the hub or center of family life and the children revolved around that center. True, crimes were rare, neighbors looked out for each other, civility and respect towards elders was a given, most Moms were at home and extended families were not uncommon with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins located nearby. The quaint adage that “children should be seen, not heard” was a very popular concept and children were expected to conform. School teachers and their admin staff had as much authority as parents—in fact parents would almost always support them, leading to “double the trouble” when a student got home.

Things began to change in the 50’s, and 60’s as the Interstate Highways and Suburbs enticed young families to leave the city while most elders remained behind. But still, kids got to go off on their bikes, gather with friends and play outside for hours without an adult in their midst. The rule of thumb was: Be back for supper or Be back When the Street Lights come on. By the late 70’s however, a new phenomenon occurred and a class of kids emerged, known as The Latch Key Kids. Divorce rates were soaring, more mothers were in the work force, there was a scarcity in child care programs and suddenly the old norms disappeared. Kids were isolated in their homes after school until a parent returned. Signs appeared in front windows of those adults still at home to signal it was a safe haven. Cable tv, “instant news” and social medias began in earnest and by the 90’s, fears were abundant as society’s mores and beliefs were challenged. The children became the center of family life, parents revolved around them, organized play-dates were arranged, advertisers and politicians targeted the “Soccer Moms” for their goods and votes, children were rewarded with “Prizes” in their Happy Meals just for eating, awards were given for “participating” to boost their “self-esteem” and the list goes on. Now we have The Helicopter Moms. Oh please!

There is no doubt that in today’s world, there would have been a Child Protective Case Worker at our home charging us with negligence at best and abuse at the worse. While living in the Mid -East, we had numerous occasions where we left our children in the care of total strangers. We were a military family but traveled on both regular and diplomatic passports which did give us some unusual opportunities. While having a holiday in Beirut, when it was a safe and beautiful city, we had a private car with a local citizen driver who met us every morning at the hotel and took us about the city and nearby historical sites. The older children would accompany us as we explored those sites while the driver would stay behind and care for our eight month old, wheeling her about in a stroller, give her a bottle, keeping her contented until our return to the car. Can one even imagine doing that today anywhere?

We raised our children to help them become self sufficient adults. They learned how to deal with reality and realized that their every whim would not be honored. They each had chores to do for the good of the family and I can’t recall any instance where I ever prepared another meal because someone didn’t like what I made! (They were never forced to eat it but it meant they would just be hungrier at the next meal. When they were older, they could fix themselves a PBJ sandwich.) We said “No” to them many times and meant it. They learned that actions and choices had consequences—some positive, others negative. Now I am sure they each could tell quite a tale about “the spanker”. Yes, I readily admit there was one, used very sparingly on their padded bottoms but never-the- less used on occasion when they were young. It was a tiny cheeseboard, measuring three inches in width and four and a half inches in length and one half centimeter in thickness. (I can give you those precise measurements as I still have it some sixty years later.) They were never “beaten” but it could cause a little “sting”. We also believed that sometimes the best answer to the children’s questions of why they couldn’t do something, was simply “because I say so”—end of further discussions! They played outside, rode bikes and skateboards without all the protective gear that is now required and rode in cars that did not have seat belts. Dodge ball was still sanctioned on school playgrounds, cell phones were non existent, and kids created imaginative scenarios while actively playing outside. Were risks involved in all of this? Certainly! But common sense guidelines were also instilled. Freedoms were allowed according to their abilities to understand consequences.

Not being much of a morning person, I would set up the breakfast table late at night, and would have a pre-poured pitcher of milk in the refrigerator so that they could safely fix their cereal before I got to the kitchen. One Holiday evening, we had held an open house at our home in which the favored beverage was a mean cup of eggnog laced with Southern Comfort. Not wanting to waste it, I poured what was left into a decorative pitcher and placed it along side of the regular milk one. Yes, you have correctly figured the outcome, as that was the pitcher they poured onto their cereal, complaining strongly when I appeared, as to how spoiled the milk tasted! Wouldn’t a case worker have loved that tale! One morning while doing laundry, I let my two youngest play out in the fenced-in yard keeping the laundry room door open to the outside to keep an eye on them. My doorbell suddenly rang, and as I answered it, there stood a complete stranger, holding a young child who on first look bore an uncanny likeness to my youngest daughter. Imagine the shock upon second look when I realized it was indeed my youngest who had somehow managed to escape from the yard, (gate still locked), amble down our short u-shaped driveway and had reached the sidewalk. This guardian angel of a woman saw her, picked her up, took her to the house next door who then directed her to my home. Yikes! It all happened so quickly but can you imagine trying to explain that one to authorities today? Then there was the time my seven year old rode his bicycle to a playmate’s house, who lived on a street on the back side of ours. We knew he was capable of doing it and since there were no busy streets to cross etc. we never worried. He knew to be back at a certain time but one late afternoon he was a no-show. To make a long story short, the chain on his bike broke half way back and he was found on the ground by two teenage Samaritans who brought him and the broken bike back to our house. Wow—yet another example of our negligent parenting today! Our children walked by themselves to their schools or to a bus stop until they were able to drive themselves if deemed necessary. No parents were regularly gathered at those stops except on special occasions such as the first and last days of a semester or Holiday. Today it is probably mandatory to have an adult posted there. I could add many other personal incidents that happened over the years with a very active household but you have the general picture.

So, thank Heavens that today’s standards of parenting didn’t apply to my generation. The jails would have been overflowing and I would have been serving a life sentence!